I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
