The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
