he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
