he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
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What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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