found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize