I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
