I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
