U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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