her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
