I'm going to jail i love you
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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