Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
