i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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