you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
