Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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