her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
