my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
