the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
