after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
