It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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