This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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