its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
