So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
