the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
