I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
