never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
