call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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