saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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