I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
