I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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