Pants 0. Shit 1.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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