I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
