Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
