the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
