Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
