I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
