a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
