i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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