people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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