You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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