Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
