I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
