I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
