Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
