She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
