I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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