i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
