Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
