i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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