Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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