After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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