Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
