Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
