omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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